This is the icky dive.
This is the dive that gets to the heart of this project.
This one is about fear. This will address the aspects of LGBT identity that make we want to get out of public education because I feel very vulneable to nasty opinions. This is what keeps me in the expressive arts world, with its safe, private groups where I can truly express myself creatively without having to worry. It is confidential. It is safe.
In an earlier post, I said that I truly didn't think I was an MFA type of person. When I was younger, i was very TMI. I loved to have real conversations that were intimate and revealing.
Motherhood changed that. Become a mother, you are suddenly judged. And I can deal with that in my private life. But as a teacher, I am a sort of public figure, to be scrutinized. It is just my kids, it is the community's children.
So this is very limiting. Age is limiting too. When I was younger, I could get away with more. Now I am older, no one wants to hear it. I have a whole life to protect. I have two little beings totally depending on me. I can screw up. My role as a mother is more important than my art for the next decade or so.
So I censor my self.
Things that are not okay to make art about because I am a teacher:
I also feel that my age makes some of them off limits.
Other things that feel off limits because they are too touchy feel-y or sentimental or something.
I again feel paralyzed. It is hard to make art about something. I just want to flow and see what comes up. I felt very unmotivated to work, and honestly, feel depressed and anxious.
I decided to incorporate the "spiritual arts" into this dive. I did tarot card reading, using the native american inspired Animal Medicine cards. I asked what aspects of my life I need to be open about in order to heal, and in order to be a better teacher.
The answer spoke of keeping silent about secrets, but being a trustworthy person to share them with. It had the feeling of being grounded, calm. It was not about instigating, and any more assertive ways of being open about one's identity.
The art I made feels a little random, and I will let it be that. The idea of camouflage and signaling is still so compelling for me. Standing out, fitting in. And reconciliation, acceptance of where I am now, who I am at my job, who I am as an artist.